January 21st will be my biggest sacrifice ever. I've been mourning the loss of my womb of life now for about 6 weeks. It began as I heard my gynecologist recommend this operation. I had a lot of difficulty accepting this recommendation. My husband and I struggled with years of infertility and were finally blessed with two beautiful babies through adoption. We had three very early miscarriages prior to our first adoption. Eight years after we said our vows, we were blessed with our son. 25 months later, we were blessed with the addition of our first daughter. What a surprise it was when we learned we were pregnant! We went on to have 3 more wonderful sons and another wonderful daughter.
After the birth of our youngest daughter, we had two more miscarriages. When it was time to see my gynecologist for my yearly visit, I was a little hesitant. Personally, I think I knew things were not right but just didn't want to admit it. I'd always said I could not turn off my womb and be closed to life. It would have to be God's decision. My husband and I believe in the teachings of Humanae Vitae and truth be told, we had no good valid reason, in good conscience to not be open to life. So we continued to be aware of our fertility, pray and discern monthly and allow life to occur if it was God's Will.
As my symptoms continued to worsen and health concerns continued to raise, we started avoiding pregnancy a few months prior to my appointment. I believe this was a time of preparation for me. I knew in my heart I was not well. I was being a little stubborn. I needed to grow in patience and hear His voice just as I did in the beginning or our marriage.
It's funny because through our marriage, we used to laugh when we were not able to conceive because of everyone's opinion was that we were just too focused on it. We'd be wealthy if we'd received a nickel for everyone's comment. Of course, the same is true for every person who said they knew we would get pregnant after we adopted because in their opinion, everyone gets pregnant after they adopt. Of course, neither of these were true. We always trusted God and prayed His Will be done.
After the birth of our sixth child, many people wondered why we weren't done having children. Funny questions like, "don't you know what causes that?', came pretty regularly. It was comical to me that we went from advice on what we needed to do to conceive to what we needed to do to not conceive anymore. It was a true eye opener to the consensus of our society these days. I wondered, did my grandparents and other ancestors have these same questions?
This brings me to my current situation. It has been frustrating at times to hear the many opinions of how much I will feel better after this surgery. I've been grieving now for weeks. Perhaps it's natural to tell people something positive during their loss. Perhaps most people do not see it as a loss. However, for me, it feels empty. Yes, I've had other parts of my body removed but the very essence of my being, my womb, is being taken away. It has become such a beautiful part of my person that I feel stripped in a way. But at the same time, I feel it is God's way of allowing me to heal and enjoy the beautiful children He has entrusted to me. After all, He is my best friend and He knows my stubbornness. He knows how I would have continued to be open to life for many more years. I feel in my heart He is taking care of us.
With that being said, I believe God timed this perfectly. Soon after feeling at peace with the outcome, I decided to stop taking a lot of my medications. (Not recommended without consulting your physician first) However, I did so in order to offer up more pain and suffering to God for those in need, especially for the unborn children threatened by abortion. I felt I was at a point where God would send me His angels to council me just as He had sent angels to Christ in the garden of Gethsemane.
It was difficult to wait 6 weeks. I wanted the procedure done as soon as I was at peace. I needed to learn patience. Just as I spent years patient in the suffering of infertility and the suffering of waiting to be adoptive parents, I had to grow in patience and trust in the Almighty. I'm so glad I did for both occasions. He has opened my eyes to so many wonderful things through the perseverance and faith. Near Christmas, I realized the timing of my surgery. My very womb would be taken out of my body the day before the anniversary of the decision of Roe vs. Wade. To me this was a blessing I was not worthy of but willingly accepted.
What do I mean when I say "not worthy of but willingly accepted"? It may sound a little strange to some. For me, I feel God has blessed me as His daughter to suffer for Him in prayer and sacrifice for the intention of the unborn threatened by abortion. I am not worthy of such a blessing! I am a mere sinner, so lowly. But, I can't imagine the suffering the unborn children feel through the unwantedness of the parents and society. I cannot imagine the pain the parents will suffer as they age and come to realize their loss. I cannot bear to think of the women forced to kill their child living inside their womb. It is so sad to hear of elderly women who rock in their rockers with baby dolls, unable to speak, unable to communicate but weep, rocking endlessly for the loss of their child because of uninformed decisions of their youth. Is it not my responsibility to pray without ceasing for these people and children? In every way possible, I have the responsibility as a Christian to offer to God anything I can give through my faith, with hope and with trust with the purpose of healing, sustaining, protecting, and building God's Kingdom.
May you all be blessed as you read this message and be empowered to go forth spreading God's love and mercy! May you be touched by these words, inspired by the Holy Spirit, and Sacrifice for those in need.
Pax Christi, Amy
I want to invite you to join united in prayer on January 22, 2014, 1 p.m. EST, in the Twitter Storm developed by Esmeralda Kiczek and The Adoption Movement. She has been a long time prayer warrior against the evil of abortion. She has produced good in many ways and has made me a better person through prayer, her works and her apostolates.